In This Together
by MyVersion41319
Summary: Sequel to To Rise Again (Not necessary, but helpful to read that first). Season 4 AU in which Castle and Beckett have gotten together directly after her shooting and spent that summer together. Begins at Beckett's first day back to active duty and continues through the season.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story picks up a month after To Rise Again ends. It covers the time between the end of the story and the epilogue, basically all of season 4. This is almost a retelling of season 4 from the perspective of Castle and Beckett being together the entire time. Beckett never lied and told Castle she loved him too immediately after surgery. She recovered with him at the loft. I will be adding some stuff that wasn't in season 4 and taking out some of the filler type stuff that was. I will be including all the major episodes though. I promise to limit the amount of straight retelling and dialogue repeating from the show. No one wants to read episodes lol. It will only be extra relationship stuff and post ep or ep insert type scenarios. I'm also adding some fun stuff and changing around some cases a bit. This first chapter is completely different than Rise, but other cases will be very similar to the show. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"Castle, can we talk?" Beckett asked nervously sitting down on the couch next to him.<p>

"Of course," he answered and put his book down. "You look serious. Everything ok?"

"Yeah, um, I'm just not too sure how much you are going to like what I want to talk about."

"What's going on?"

"So you know how I am supposed to go back on active duty Monday?" Beckett asked. She had been on desk duty for the past month following her two month medical leave. Going back to work had been a little rocky at the beginning, but it had gotten easier. She had to thank Castle for getting her through everything. He had been by her side every step of the way, and they had gotten a lot closer over the past three months. Beckett had been scared to dive into a relationship with him, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions she ever made. While she only technically lived with him until she went back to work, she had been at the loft more nights than not over the past month. At Castle's nod she continued, "Well I was thinking it might be best for you to not come back with me right away."

"What? We talked about this. I stayed home while you were on desk duty, and now I'm supposed to come back. I thought Gates ok'd it."

"She did."

"Kate, do you not want me working with you?" Castle asked trying to keep the anger and confusion out of his voice.

"No, No. Well… I'm worried. I don't want anything to happen to you," she explained.

"It won't. Everything will be just like it was before. We work well together."

"I'm just… it's… I'm not sure I can protect you like I used to. It's going to take some time for me to actually get back to full capacity where I can be confident in my skills again. I'm scared enough that I'm going to let Ryan and Esposito down. I can't have to worry about you too."

"You're going to be just fine, Kate. You are excellent at your job. You might be a little rusty, but it will be fine."

"I'm not so sure about that," she responded quietly. Beckett kept her head down and refused to look at him.

"We will fall right back into it," he said confidently.

"I just need some time to get my bearings. This isn't forever."

"How long?"

"I don't know… a couple of days."

"That's it?" He asked. Castle had been thinking she was talking about a much longer time.

"Maybe a week," Beckett shrugged.

He took a deep breath. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"If this is what you want then I'll listen," he supplied dejectedly.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly and leaned her head on his shoulder. She really was sorry. She hated that she couldn't just let everything go back to normal. Kate was doing her best, but it just wasn't working.

"It's not your fault."

"Castle, come on. I know you aren't happy about this." Beckett had learned over the past few months that she wasn't the only one that ever needed a little push to open up.

"No, I'm not," he agreed seriously.

"I don't know how to explain it. I guess I just need some time."

"Some time without your partner?"

"Some time without the man that I love being in the line of fire," she countered.

"Well I need the woman that I love to not be in the line of fire alone."

"I won't be alone. Ryan and Esposito will have my back. I'm sure they are going to be overprotective for a while too."

"Look I know I'm not a cop, and you are much better off with one of them, but Kate, I don't like this."

"I'll be fine."

"I'll be fine too," he said firmly.

"Please I don't want to fight," she nearly begged.

"Neither do I," Castle agreed.

"I have enough to worry about without worrying about you."

"I understand. I do. You are going to tested, and it's going to be difficult. That's why I want to be with you."

"You will only make it harder," Beckett said quickly.

Castle's face fell at her words. He truly thought they were past the stage where he was a bother to her on the job.

"No, Castle, I'm sorry."

"I get it. You can't be a babysitter right now." The hurt was evident in Castle's voice.

"That's not what I meant."

"It's fine. I won't come," he said defeated.

"I need you to understand why I don't want you to come for a little bit. Let me get a few gun draws under my belt first," Beckett explained.

"I know you want to protect me, but I want to protect you."

"Can we compromise?" She asked.

Castle took a breath and thought for a minute. "No, Kate, I'm being unfair. I will stay home for a while. We've talked about you needing to do things on your own. I'm not trying to take away your independence. I respected it when you went back to desk duty, and I need to respect it now too."

"You listened to me when I first went back to desk duty, and what happened? I showed up here in tears after my first shift despite the fact I had insisted I was going to stay at my place. Maybe I should listen to you this time."

"That wasn't a big deal. You thought you were going to want to be alone, and it turned out you didn't. So what? You are always welcome here." Castle rested his hand on her leg reassuringly.

"It wasn't that I thought I wanted to be alone. It was that I demanded we go back to our normal lives, and I was staying at my place. Then when it came down to it, I couldn't handle it on my own. I couldn't be independent. I couldn't be me."

"Kate, there is so much more to it than that. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself," Castle said and gave her knee a little squeeze. They had been over this a million times the past month.

"I'm better now. It's not an issue," Kate said despite the fact she wasn't really sure if it was true.

"So I should let you go back to active duty alone and come back when you are ready for me."

"Yeah, but I know you want to be there now. I feel bad telling you 'no.'"

"Let me see if I got this right. You don't want me to go back because you are worried you won't be able to protect me. You think you need some practice to get back into working first?" Castle asked.

Beckett nodded.

"And I don't want you alone in these situations. Especially, if you aren't on your A game."

"It sounds like we have a problem."

"But we are talking about it," Castle said with a smile.

"Yeah…" Beckett answered confused.

"Something we never would have done six months ago."

"Yeah…" Beckett smiled too this time.

"Looks like progress to me."

"Progress," she repeated.

"There is nothing wrong with needing a little time, as long as it really is just a little. Go tomorrow on your own, and I will join you soon."

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>"Good Morning," Castle greeted as Beckett joined him in the kitchen.<p>

"Morning."

"I made breakfast."

"Thanks, Castle. You really didn't have to. I don't want to make any bigger deal out of today than I have to."

"I'm not doing anything special. You know I try to make Alexis a good breakfast before school when I have time."

"I'm sure you did this completely innocently," Beckett said sarcastically.

"Completely. Now, coffee?" He offered.

"Of course."

"Oh pancakes!" Alexis exclaimed coming down. Everyone made their plates and had a seat around the kitchen island. "Are you coming over tonight?" Alexis asked Kate.

"Probably," Kate looked to Castle who nodded. "I might be late though. We don't have a case now, but I doubt we will go all day without catching one. It depends how busy we get."

"So you're back to your old hours then?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah. Everything goes back to normal today."

"You have to be happy about that."

"I am. I definitely am. I've hated being stuck at my desk. The shorter hours have been nice but not that nice. Not enough to make up for the boredom."

"I'll make sure I DVR "A Night of Dance" if you're not here yet," Alexis offered.

"I can't believe I let you convince me to watch that," Beckett laughed.

"Lanie likes it too. It's not just me."

"At least this season when she whines about it, I will know who she is talking about."

"I think you'll like it. You're going to be surprised."

"Yeah, yeah. We'll see, but I have to get going. I will see you guys later," Kate said getting up from the table.

Castle stood up and went to the coffeepot to make her a to-go cup to take with her. Alexis stood too and stepped towards Kate. She wrapped her up in a quick hug. "Be careful today," the teen whispered. Kate returned the hug and didn't let Alexis pull back yet. The two had gotten close over Kate's recovery and over all the time she had been spending at the loft. Alexis refused to let on that she really was nervous about Kate going back to work, but there was definitely a sense of emotion coming across in the hug.

"I promise," Kate answered. She was touched that the girl had accepted her presence in her family's life. It meant a lot that Alexis cared about her. The two pulled away, and Alexis sat back down to finish her breakfast before she had to leave for school.

"Coffee to-go," Castle reached out and handed Kate her usual cup.

"Thanks," she smiled. She took a swig and headed to the couch where she had set her bag.

Castle followed her over and to the door. Alexis was facing the opposite way at the island.

"Call me if you need anything at all," Castle whispered standing in front of Beckett and putting his hands on her arms just above her elbows.

"I will, but today is going to be fine. It's not my actual first day back, just my first day on active. I'm way less nervous than I was a month ago."

"I know, but still."

"I'll text you if we get a case, and I'll be late."

Castle nodded and gave her a quick kiss. "I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

><p>"Are you ready for this?" Esposito asked as they stood outside their suspect's apartment. They had caught a case right after Kate had gotten there that morning. The scene was fairly simple, and CSU quickly found prints on the murder weapon. They matched the prints to a Marco Rivera in the system, and they got a warrant for his arrest. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too hard of an arrest. There was an unusual nervous energy around Beckett's first arrest back.<p>

"Definitely," she said firmly.

Esposito gave her a look of disbelief.

"I've been chained to my desk for a month, I'm ready."

"Ok, let's do this," he nodded.

The three entered the apartment slowly with their weapons drawn. The front room appeared to be empty, but it was too dark to tell for sure.

"Let's split up. We need to clear the place," Beckett whispered.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine, Esposito," she bite out. "It's a small place."

"Yeah, sorry," he agreed. Ryan was hiding his concern, but Esposito was too protective to contain it.

Beckett entered a bedroom in the back of the apartment. The room was a mess, and there was five cardboard boxes stacked in the middle of the floor. She looked around and noticed there was no closet or anywhere that looked anyone could be hiding in. She holstered her gun and opened the top box in the stack. Then she heard a faint noise rustling sound.

"NYPD! Show yourself," she called out.

The room was silent as she looked around. After a minute, Beckett figured it must have been nothing and went back to the box. It was filled with stuffed animals. She thought it was odd until she realized one of them was ripped along the back seam. She pulled a small baggie from the inside of teddy bear.

"Don't look in there!" A man yelled and popped out from behind a large dresser. He was holding a gun.

"Drop…Drop your weapon!" Beckett pulled her gun.

"You can't be here," he yelled and raised his gun pointing it at her chest.

"Drop your weapon!" She forced out. It was all she could do to even speak.

"I didn't do anything wrong," he answered unmoving.

"Drop your weapon!" She repeated. The fear was evident in her voice. Beckett took a deep breath and did her best to stay focused.

Ryan and Esposito heard the yelling and came in. Their presence immediately lead to Rivera putting his gun down. He had been building confidence against the obviously shaken Beckett, but the guys were too much for him. Esposito easily cuffed him as Ryan secured his gun. They called for a CSU team and uniforms to meet them and collect the drugs Beckett had discovered.

"You good?" Esposito asked about a half an hour later. The scene was a zoo.

"Yeah, uh, yeah," Beckett stuttered after a moment. It took her awhile to realize he was talking to her.

"Why don't you ride back with Ryan? I'll drive your car."

"What?"

"We should head back to the precinct. They don't need us here anymore, and we need to interrogate Rivera."

"Right. Ok," she agreed.

"Give me your keys," Esposito said firmly.

"I'm fine."

Esposito stepped forward closer to her and dropped his voice, "Kate, your hands are shaking."

"Oh, um," she replied looking at her hands. She hadn't even realized it, but they were definitely shaking. She had been lost in her own head since Rivera pulled his weapon her.

"It's ok. Don't worry about it. It's your first day. Just ride back with Ryan," Esposito said gently and offered her a small smile.

Beckett shook her head, but reached in her pocket and handed him her keys. She had been so out of it that she didn't even really realize what was happening around her or that the scene was being processed. Time had stopped. Damn it. She knew this was bad.

* * *

><p>"He's in interrogation 2," Esposito told Ryan and Beckett as they walked into the bullpen. Ryan had thankfully let her be silent the whole way back precinct.<p>

"We got it. You should watch from observation and run down whatever crap alibi he tries to give us," Ryan offered Beckett.

"I'm fine. I'll go talk to him," Beckett said firmly.

Ryan and Esposito shared a concerned look, but they let her head off towards the room. "I'm coming too," Ryan added and followed her.

"Marco Rivera, I'm Detective Beckett. This is Detective Ryan."

"I'm not talking. I didn't do anything," he said quickly.

"So we didn't find heroin in your apartment?"

"It's not mine."

"Really?" Beckett asked incredulously.

"I didn't know there was drugs mixed in. A buddy of mine asked to store some boxes at my house. It looked like just a bunch of junk."

"No, it looked 5 boxes of stuffed animals with more than poly-fil inside," Ryan shut his story down.

"I didn't look," Rivera defended.

"You just figured your buddy had a large collection of teddy bears that needed a home. And what kind of drug dealer stores his stash in teddy bears, anyway?" Beckett asked.

"I want a lawyer."

"Oh you're going to need one. We haven't even asked you about the murder yet," Ryan added.

"Murder?!"

"Felix Price. We found him this morning. Next time you stab a guy, Marco, don't leave the knife covered in your fingerprints at the scene," Beckett continued slamming a picture of their victim down on the table.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Your fingerprints are all over the murder weapon. Why didn't you just shoot him? You clearly have a gun. Don't worry we won't forget about that. We'll make sure we get all of your charges before we do the paperwork," Ryan questioned.

"I want a lawyer," Marco repeated.

"Fine," Beckett agreed and stood up. They weren't getting anything out of this guy.

"He's guilty," Ryan said in the hallway when they met up with Esposito.

"Definitely," Esposito nodded.

"Get his lawyer here, so we can finish this up. I don't want to be here all night," Beckett said sharply.

"I'm on it." Ryan headed off to take care of it.

"Beckett?" Esposito asked quietly.

"What?" She snapped.

"You should head home. It's already after 5, and there's not much left for us to do," he offered.

"Last time I checked, we hadn't done any paperwork yet. Plus, I'm sure we are going to go a few rounds with the lawyer."

"Paperwork can be done tomorrow, and Ryan and I can handle the rest tonight."

"I don't need to leave."

"I never said you needed to. I'm just saying you can," he offered her a small smile. He knew he was pressing his luck, but she shouldn't be here anymore.

"I don't need all your big brother, protective crap. Back off," she said bitterly.

"I'm just trying to be nice. It's been a long day."

"I let it go while I was on desk duty. You guys had to go easy on me, and I had to leave on time, but I'm back on full duty now. I'm fine. I need to put the shooting behind me and the only way I can do that is if you treat me normally. I thought you would understand that."

"I do. I do, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I've seen a lot of people burn themselves out from jumping back in head first. A lot of guys from my unit, myself included, made the mistake of thinking we could handle our old world too quickly when we got home. I'm not going to let you make the same mistake."

"I wasn't at war, Esposito."

"Trauma is trauma," he shrugged. He knew she didn't want to hear anything he had to say. It was all the truth though. He knew she wasn't ok. She hadn't been the whole time she was desk duty either. Esposito honestly just wanted to help. He wasn't going to let her make things harder on herself. She had been through hell already.

"I appreciate your concern. I really do, but I'm fine."

"I just want to make sure you stay that way," he said. He didn't want to challenge her anymore today.

"I'll head home early tonight, but from now on what I can and can't do is my decision."

"I'm just offering a little advice," he smiled.

"Well thank you," Beckett offered a small smile back.

* * *

><p>"Hello," Beckett called out entering the loft.<p>

"Hey. How was your day?" Castle answered from the kitchen. He was just finishing up dinner.

"Not awful," Beckett shrugged.

"But not good either?" He asked. It was all over her face that she wasn't telling the whole truth.

"No," she admitted.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Later. I need a break for a while."

"Ok. Dinner should be ready in a few minutes," He agreed.

"I'm not really hungry."

"You should eat something. Just take a little bit."

"Is Alexis home?" Beckett asked.

"Upstairs doing homework."

"She's going to notice that I'm barely eating," she said defeated. Beckett really didn't want Alexis to know she had a bad day. She wanted Alexis to see her as strong.

"If she says something just say you had a big lunch at work. The guys ordered food to celebrate your first day back," Castle offered.

"I guess that works."

Castle left his spot in front of the stove and came over to her. "Relax, Sweetheart. It's over now," he whispered and wrapped her up in his arms.

"Yeah, until tomorrow." Kate gratefully leaned against him and buried herself in his embrace. It had been such a long day, and she really missed him. He would have been able to keep her from getting lost in her head. At least she didn't have a full blown panic attack.

"Sure you don't want to talk about it now?" He asked.

"No. I'm fine. Just tired," she lied.

"Ok, ok. Well let's eat. Let me just holler up for Alexis."

"Kate!" Alexis came running down the steps when she saw her. "You're here already."

"We closed a case, so I got out of there early."

"How'd it go?" Alexis asked staying close to Kate. The teen had been anxiously waiting her arrival.

"It was good. Killer wasn't too bright and left his finger prints all over place. Easy close," Beckett forced a smile.

Before Alexis could answer Beckett's phone rang.

"Sorry it's Esposito. You guys eat. I'll be right back." She headed into the office.

"So it looks like this case isn't so easy after all. Our suspect's lawyer convinced him to talk, and he has an air-tight alibi for the murder," Beckett announced 10 minutes later coming in and sitting down.

"Why didn't he tell you guys that earlier?" Castle asked.

"We found a ton of heroin in his place. He thought it was best to just play dumb when we asked him questions. He's refusing to talk about where he got the drugs and is apparently willing to take the drug charges, but a murder charge is a little less appealing to him."

"Do you have to go back?" Alexis asked.

"No. I told the boys to go home, and we'll pick up in the morning."

* * *

><p>"Do you want to come with me tomorrow?" Beckett asked as her and Castle were getting ready for bed. She had spent the evening watching tv with Alexis and had yet to talk to Castle about her day.<p>

"Really?"

"Yeah. I missed you today," she admitted.

"I'll be there," he smiled. "Ready to talk?" Castle sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.

"Yeah," she took a deep breath and sat down. She didn't actually want to talk about it. She just wanted to sleep. She was exhausted and her ribs were hurting. Just being on her feet all day was enough to make her sore.

"How bad was it?"

"I may have sugar coated how easy the case was to Alexis."

"I was impressed. She definitely couldn't tell you had a rough day. You hid it well," he offered.

"I'm struggling enough letting you see me like this. Alexis can't," Beckett said firmly.

"Fine with me. I prefer to keep her in the dark sometimes too."

"When we went to arrest the guy, who is apparently not our killer, he pulled a gun on me."

"What happened?" He asked quickly.

"He lives in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn. We got there, and we split up to clear the place. I was the bedroom alone, and he was hiding. I started looking through a box, and he jumped out. It was my own fault for not clearing the place completely before I looked at anything. I know better."

"What happened next?"

"He pointed a gun at me and started yelling. He refused to put it down, but then Ryan and Esposito came in. They intimidated him, and he put it down."

"How did you react?"

"I froze," she admitted nearly inaudibly.

"You froze?"

"All I could get out of my mouth was 'drop your weapon' over and over."

"Well that was a good thing to say." Castle offered her a small smile.

"I couldn't think or move. I was just frozen. I was terrified," Beckett confessed. She was fighting a losing battle with tears.

"It was your first day back. It's to be expected for it to be hard. I think it's normal for you to react differently than you did before. It will take some time."

"Ryan had to drive me back because I couldn't get myself together." Her voiced broke at the end of her sentence and tears began falling down her face.

"Kate," Castle whispered and gently tugged her into his side. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and held her close.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"Of course you can," he said confidently.

"No, Castle, it was bad."

"It will get better."

"This was a new kind of pure fear. I have never felt like that before. I knew it was going to be hard to face down a gun again, but I had no idea it would be that hard."

"It will get a little easier every time. Though I have to say I hope the situation doesn't come up many times."

"I'm selfish for wanting you to come back," she said pulling out of his embrace.

"Why?"

"Because I want you there with me. I'm risking putting you in danger because I want you with me."

"I want to be with you."

"It's too dangerous." She shook her head.

"We will have each other's backs."

"Except I'm not capable of having anyone's back." Kate reached over and grabbed a tissue from the side of the bed.

"Not true. I trust you more than anyone," he replied and gently rubbed her back.

"As long as that attitude doesn't get you killed, I'm flattered."

"It won't."

Beckett leaned back into his side slowly. He dropped his arms around her and just held her. After about 10 minutes, he pulled away a bit. "We should go to sleep."

"Yeah," Beckett agreed quietly sitting up.

"Do you want some Advil?"

"How did you know?" She asked. She had been doing her best to hide that she was hurting. She didn't think Castle noticed.

"You've been favoring your left side most of the night. I didn't want to make an issue out of it. I know you've been trying not to take anything unless you really need it."

"I think I'm tired enough to just fall asleep, but my ribs are killing me."

"It's only Advil, Kate. Just take it."

"Tonight only," she sighed.

"Stubborn woman," Castle shook his head. "I'll go get it."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thoughts? Thanks for reading! Special thanks to everyone from To Rise Again for sticking with me. If you haven't read it, you should check it out, but it isn't completely necessary to understand this story. I have a lot of stuff planned for this story. I'm not really sure what I think of this first chapter because there is not much excitement or relationship goodness, but it's necessary to establish the story. I will be wrapping up this case next chapter and then jumping into the events of 4x02 (Heroes and Villains). After that will be 4x04 (Kick the Ballistics). Chapters will probably be pretty independent but will flow a bit. Update should be in 3-4 days. Leave a review :)**

**~ Meagan**


	2. Chapter 2

"Let's talk through everything," Beckett said standing in front of the murder board with Castle, Ryan, and Esposito.

"Yes, fill me in," Castle replied as his eyes sped across the board trying to take in everything he had missed yesterday. Beckett was glad the boys hadn't made an issue about Castle's reappearance.

"Our victim is Felix Price. He was stabbed three times in the abdomen and chest. His record is clean, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is wrapped up in whatever heroine dealings Rivera was into," Beckett explained.

"What's the connection between Price and Rivera?" Castle asked.

"They are coworkers at a gas station. The other employees said the two were friends," Esposito filled in.

"Are we completely ruling out Rivera as a suspect?" Castle questioned.

"We have about 10 people willing to vouch that he was at a bar downtown during the time of the murder," Ryan answered.

"But can they be trusted?" Castle asked.

"I think so. The bartender and a few servers said they had never seen Rivera in before. It doesn't seem like it was a regular hangout for him. I didn't talk to anyone that I think is lying on his behalf," Ryan replied.

"So we are looking for someone that knew both Rivera and Price. Someone that would benefit from killing Price and framing it on Rivera," Beckett added.

"Someone else from the gas station?" Esposito wondered.

"I think it's a good possibility. If anything, maybe someone will know of anyone else they hung around with. Let's run all the employees and see if anyone has past drug chargers. There's got to be other people involved with heroin. It came from somewhere," Beckett agreed.

"Whoever is the head of this though would never lead the cops to Rivera when he had the heroin at his place. The guy wouldn't want his stash seized by police. He lost a ton of money in this," Castle reasoned.

"That's a good point," Ryan nodded.

"Thinking about the amount of heroin we found in Rivera's place, this has to be a decent sized ring. There have to be more people involved," Esposito inferred.

"Definitely. Narcotics is analyzing what we collected. Hopefully, they can connect to a known ring. That will help us narrow it down," Ryan said.

"Ryan, Espo, you guys head back to the gas station and see if you can find out anything about anyone else these two hung out with. Castle and I will talk to Rivera's family and see if they know of anyone that would want to frame him," Beckett ordered.

* * *

><p>"Well that was incredibly unhelpful," Castle sighed as he and Beckett got into the car after finishing up their interviews.<p>

"Hopefully, the boys had more luck."

"Want to stop and pick up lunch before we head back?" Castle asked. He could tell Beckett was struggling a bit and thought it would be a good idea to give her a little time before heading back to the precinct.

"Sure, we should grab something for everyone," she replied quietly.

"No, Beckett. I was thinking about just getting us food and bringing it back to eat in front of them," he joked.

"Right. Sorry," she said quickly. She had been fighting to stay focused.

"I'm just teasing," he smiled and rubbed a hand down her arm.

"I guess I'm just a little tense," she admitted after a pause.

"I could tell. I could feel it when you were sitting next to me the whole time we were talking to Rivera's brother."

"It just hit me when we walked into his apartment. What if his brother was involved? Anything could have happened while we were sitting on that couch. If we asked a wrong question, he could have freaked out. I have no idea if there was a gun in that apartment."

"Kate," Castle said gently.

"I know it's dumb. I never thought like that before."

"Um, I might be over stepping here, but, um, maybe you should think about going to see Burke a few more times."

"Six sessions was enough, Castle," she snapped.

"It was just a thought."

"It was bad enough he made me do three more than the required minimum number of sessions."

"You said it was helpful though."

"Helpful doesn't mean necessary," she retorted.

"Ok," he nodded. He knew this wasn't the time or place to start a fight.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Subject change. Where do you want to go to eat?"

* * *

><p>"Why do you think Castle wasn't here yesterday, but showed up today? I know there's no way he would willingly miss her first day on active?" Ryan asked Esposito as they were heading back to the precinct after their interviews across town. They hadn't been much more successful than Castle and Beckett.<p>

"I figure she made him, and it took him 24 hours to wear her down."

"Why wouldn't she want him here, though?"

"It's Beckett. Who knows?" Esposito shrugged.

"Yeah true. You think she's really doing okay?"

"Yeah. She's just adjusting. Give it a week or two."

"I think Castle being back will help."

"I gotta say I'm surprised she actually has been letting him help her. I would've thought she was more likely to run away and ignore him."

"I don't know. She spent years pretending not to be interested in him, but we all knew she loved him," Ryan stated.

"Still, man, this is Beckett. She doesn't accept help from anyone."

"Things are different when you love the person the help is coming from."

"God, you are sappy," Esposito sighed.

"I'm happily in love."

* * *

><p>It was a little after 8:00 that night when they got a confession. It turns out Beckett was right to be worried about Rivera's brother, Chad, while she and Castle were talking to him. The narcotics department had led them to a young dealer that had been arrested for selling heroin matching the chemical signature of the kind they had recovered in Rivera's apartment. It was even in the same little plastic bags based on the red stripe they each had. The kid quickly cooperated in hopes of getting a plea deal on his original charge. He told them that both Riveras and Price were dealers, and Chad was mad at his brother for letting Price get involved. Apparently it was taking away his business and making him look bad to the boss. He decided to take them both out so that he could move up in the ring.<p>

"Are you coming to the loft?" Castle asked Beckett as she was putting her coat on.

"I think I'm actually going to head to my place tonight."

"Why?"

"'Cause I've spent the past three nights at yours."

"So?" He questioned.

"I should spend some time at my own place, you know?"

"Well … yeah."

"Don't be upset. I spend about half my time at my place. This isn't so unusual."

"I know."

"So why are you acting like it's a big deal?" Beckett asked.

"I'm not."

"Castle."

"Sorry. I'm sorry," he said quickly.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride home."

"Thanks."

"We can't talk about this stuff in the precinct," Beckett said in the car as they headed to Castle's place.

"Gates and most people had already left, and we were whispering," he justified.

"Still. I'm not risking you getting kicked out and me getting an ethics violation."

"Right. Ok."

"I don't like this any more than you do," Beckett said gently. She really didn't want to be the bad guy in this, but they had to be careful. It was too risky.

"I know you don't." He reached out and rested his hand on her leg as she drove.

They spent the rest of the ride just chatting and talking about nothing.

"Do you want me to come in the morning?" Castle asked as Beckett parked in front of his building.

"You don't have to. I'll call you when we get a new case and you can meet us there."

"Okay. That works."

"Thanks for coming with me today," Beckett smiled.

"Always."

They leaned across the center console and kissed. Castle wove his fingers through her hair and pulled her closer.

"Love you," Beckett whispered as she pulled back.

"Love you, too."

"Are you sure you don't want to come up for a bit?"

"No, I really should head home," she said sadly. She had been spending so much time at his place lately. She was worried he hadn't seen Alexis enough and wanted to give them a night alone.

* * *

><p>Beckett changed her clothes and settled down on the couch with a book and a glass of wine. She had really missed being able to do this during her recovery. She wasn't allowed alcohol for almost two months. She wasn't a big drinker, but she did enjoy a glass of red after a long day. Beckett tried to get into her book, but it wasn't really happening. She had been thinking about what Castle said about going back to see Burke practically all day. She would lying if she said she hadn't thought about going back herself. Burke had encouraged her to keep coming the day he signed her release form, stating that just because he was approving her for active duty didn't mean she wasn't going to face issues coming up. Beckett had dismissed him at the time, as she really thought the worse was behind her. As she truly gave up reading and put her book down, she thought back to her first day on desk duty. She had thought she was fine that day too.<p>

_After a brutally long day of sitting at her desk pouring over phone records, Beckett couldn't wait to get home. Just sitting in the precinct had made her nervous and on edge. Almost everyone in the room was wearing a gun at their hip, and her eyes had zeroed in on it every time someone walked by. Every creak of a floor board and scuff of a shoe had practically made her jump out of her seat. A fight had broken out between a suspect and a detective in an interrogation room and the yelling just about sent her running. It was awful. When she got home, she thought everything was going to be fine. She had insisted that she and Castle spend the night apart. She was determined to get back to her old life and that included sleeping in her apartment. It also included comforting herself after a long day. That was how she handled things. Beckett was never one to need someone to come home to. However, tonight was different. No matter what she did she couldn't seem to relax. Nothing was helping. Not tea, or music, or a bath, or a good book. Nothing. It was nearly 9 o'clock and the anxiousness was nearly killing her. She knew she should call Castle. She had promised she would call and tell him about her day, but she just couldn't. She wanted to, but she couldn't. She knew if she heard his voice she would completely break down. Kate continued to putter around her apartment, trying to find something to do, when a series of police cars and ambulances sped past her building. The sirens made her physically jump. That was it, she was done. She couldn't take it any longer. Determined to at least keep some independence, she grabbed her car keys and headed out. Kate really wanted to just call and make him come to her, but her stubbornness wouldn't her let do that. She wanted to prove to herself that she was really okay, despite the evidence to the contrary. As Beckett sped towards Castle's loft, her resolve continued to fall. She was starting to feel extremely down on herself for needing him. She had tried all day and all night to stand on her own. About halfway there, tears started falling uncontrollably down her face. She didn't even realize it at first. When she finally arrived, she practically ran to the elevator and then to his door when she reached the right floor. She banged on the door incessantly, not stopping till he answered. As soon as Beckett saw him, she threw herself into his arms. Castle wrapped her up instantly and pulled her inside._

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Thoughts? Thanks for reading. I really don't have much to say about this one. I wanted Kate to struggle a bit in her first case just like she did in Rise. I'm following the overall pace of the season as far as her recovery just including Castle in the process. She will be more open but not too open as it progresses. I want to try to keep everyone in character the best I can. Next chapter should be up in about 3 days. Thanks for all the follows and reviews!_**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This chapter takes place in 4x02 "Heroes and Villians".**

* * *

><p>"What's going on?" Alexis asked when Castle and Beckett came into the loft laughing and bickering. They had been busy the past two days working a case.<p>

"Our killer's a superhero!" Castle said gleefully, walking into the kitchen to drop a kiss on the top of his daughter's head. She was sitting at the island with textbooks scattered all over the counter.

"No, our killer is a nut job in a superhero costume," Beckett corrected.

"What?" Alexis laughed.

"We got a picture off security cameras of a person fleeing the crime scene in a superhero costume."

"Oh, wow, that's weird."

"It's awesome!" He exclaimed.

"Castle, there is a masked, presumably delusional, man running around killing people with a sword."

"Well yes," he admitted. "But his suit was cool."

"If you think so," Beckett rolled her eyes.

"Just wait and see. I'm going to do some research after dinner. I'm telling you, I can figure out a lot about this guy based on his costume. He choose this persona for a reason."

"Just don't present this theory to Gates, ok? I think you are already on her last nerve."

"How is it going with her? Besides her clear dislike of Dad," Alexis asked.

"Not great, but not awful," Beckett shrugged. There was no reason to complain about it. She really didn't like Gates, but she figured she was never going to like Montgomery's replacement. Gates was strict and a little cold, but she seemed to be good at her job. Hopefully, things would improve as time went on.

Castle shot Beckett a look like she was crazy. Gates was impossible.

"That's good I guess," Alexis replied.

"Where's your grandmother?" Castle asked.

"Upstairs in her room learning lines," Alexis answered.

"Is her audition tomorrow?"

"Yep. Beware, she is going to want to practice with someone later."

"No can do. I have case research that needs done," Castle shook his head.

"Yeah, well you are going to have to make up a better excuse than that. She really wants this role. I can't do it tonight. I have an exam tomorrow."

"I'll do it," Beckett volunteered.

"What?" Castle and Alexis yelled simultaneously.

"I don't have anything I need to do tonight. I was going to head home after dinner, but I'll hang out a bit."

"Beckett, no, you don't have to," Castle said quickly.

"It's fine. I don't mind."

"You will. Trust me. Mother is a little insane."

"I'm willing to risk it," Beckett laughed.

"Dad's right. She will make you act it out. You can't just sit and read off the paper. She demands emotion and effort. It's kinda awful depending on the script," Alexis added.

"It's got to be better than listening to your father ramble about superheroes all day."

"Hey, you were jumping in."

"Only when you were wrong," Beckett defended.

"So you admit you are a bigger nerd than me?"

"What?"

"You can only correct me if you know more than me. Therefore, you are a bigger nerd," Castle smirked.

"No, I'm just smarter."

"Whatever you say, Beckett."

* * *

><p>"Your mother called me a bad actress," Beckett huffed plopping down on the couch in Castle's study two hours later. He was sitting at his desk, typing away, but he stopped and turned to face her. There was a stack of comic books and a bunch of photos piled up on the corner of his desk.<p>

"She says that to everyone. Well, except Alexis. Apparently, she has potential."

"I really was bad though. I'm kind of embarrassed."

"Don't be. Embarrassment doesn't exist in my mother's world."

"There is a bright side to my complete inability to act. I doubt she'll be wanting my help again."

"Oh no, she will. I normally try to be awful on purpose. She just yells at me and makes me keep going. Or better yet, she gives me advice and direction."

"Great," Beckett laughed.

"It was really nice of you, you know?"

"What?"

"Helping her like that. You didn't have to, and I know it met a lot to her."

"She has done so much for me. I want to help out when I can," Beckett shrugged.

"Still," Castle rolled away from his desk up to the couch. "Hey," he smiled.

"Hey."

He reached over and tugged her hand towards him.

"Castle," she laughed softly.

"Come here."

"I don't know if that chair can hold us both."

"It can," he said confidently.

"Why don't you come here? The couch is a much more sensible place for both of us to sit."

"Yes, but then you won't sit on my lap and let me kiss you."

"Maybe I will," she teased.

"Well then." Castle got up and Beckett turned and leaned forward so he could get in the corner of the couch behind her. He got settled and put his hands on her hips guiding her back. She wasn't exactly on his lap, but it was close enough.

"See isn't this better than being crammed in that chair," Beckett sighed and stretched against him.

"Except I believe you owe me a kiss."

"Just one?"

"I like the way you think."

She turned a bit to be at a better angle and leaned in to press her lips to his. She hadn't seen him much outside of work in the past few days, and she really missed this. She completely melted into him as he wrapped his arms around her back and cradled her to him. Kate carded her fingers in his hair and deepened the kiss. As the moment got increasingly heated, Castle pulled back.

"Hmm?" Kate questioned as she caught her breath.

"You can't kiss me like that."

"Why not?" she smirked.

"Because I can't be held responsible for my actions when you do."

"So?"

"Kate," he whined.

"I'm ready," she said confidently.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. We've been waiting till I'm healed, and I am."

"You are still going to PT, and I know you are sore at night after work," Castle challenged.

"I'm only still going to PT to get back to my full strength. It's more like just going to the gym now. And I'm only sore on nights after really long days or if I fight with a suspect or something."

"Okay," he smiled.

"Are you ready?"

"God, yes."

"Good," she beamed.

Castle kissed her intensely. Beckett was completely lost in him. Eventually, they had to separate to breathe.

"I didn't mean tonight," Beckett sighed and dropped her head to shoulder. She buried her face in his neck and took a deep breath. It shouldn't be tonight. Even though she definitely wanted it to be. She didn't want to wait another minute.

"Why not?"

"It should be special."

"Oh, it will be special," he responded still breathing heavy.

"Castle."

"I just meant that no matter what it will be magical. It's you and me, Kate. It will be perfect. There is absolutely no pressure. We can wait as long as you want."

"I know," she smiled.

"Good." He gave her a little squeeze.

"Soon." She kissed his neck.

"Kate," he sighed.

"Sorry," Kate giggled.

"Don't be a tease." He dropped a quick kiss on her forehead.

"I knew I should have shaved my legs this morning."

"I swear to God, if that is the only thing stopping you..."

"Now I'm teasing you," she laughed.

"Of course you are," Castle grumbled.

* * *

><p>Three days later, they finally put all the pieces together and solved the case. Tony Valentino had challenged that Beckett really had evidence against him, but like many people before him, he learned that wasn't a good idea. A fingerprint on a button of his Lone Vengeance costume sealed his fate. After getting the paperwork that had to be done that night finished, Castle and Beckett headed to the loft. It was Friday night, and Martha and Alexis were both out, giving them the place to themselves. Castle poured them both a glass of wine, and they settled in on the couch.<p>

"So, um, I want to tell you something," Beckett said nervously after they had been chatting for a few minutes.

"Ok," he replied encouragingly.

"I called this morning and made an appointment with Burke."

"I thought you didn't want to," he questioned, surprised by her decision. He had been meaning to talk to her about it again, but he didn't want to start a fight.

"I didn't. Well, I still don't, but I feel like it's a good idea," she shrugged.

"Why did you change your mind?"

"This case. I realized when there aren't guns involved, I can do my job with practically no issues. I've gotten so much better with them since I first went back to the precinct. I can handle seeing guns in a controlled environment, but the second a suspect has one, everything changes. I need to work on that. Suspects have guns, it's part of the job. I need to learn to be able to handle that again."

"I'm really proud of you," he smiled. He knew how hard it was for her to admit she needed help. It took a lot of courage to make the decision to go back to a situation that made her so uncomfortable. Just because it was for the best didn't mean it was easy.

He set his glass down on the coffee table next to hers and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. He knew she was feeling vulnerable and wanted to reassure her that he completely supported her.

"Could you hear earlier, when I was talking to Hastings?" Beckett asked quietly. There was a little bit more to her decision to return to Burke that she hadn't originally planned on sharing, but now, she changed her mind. She decided to at least try.

"When you were signing her out and letting her go?"

She nodded.

"Not really, I was with Gates."

"Well I told her not to be so driven by her past that she throws away her future. I need to take my own advice. I don't think I will ever be able to put my mom's murder behind me, but I do need to find a way to move on. I can't let it destroy my life. It almost got me killed."

"We'll find a safe way to investigate. Just not right now. Let's give it some time."

"I don't know, Castle. It may never be safe, and even if we do get an opportunity, we still may never figure it out. We could very well do all this and still fail."

"We won't," he said firmly.

"I'm scared," she admitted, barely audibly.

"Sweetheart." Castle didn't know what to say. The desperation in her voice was killing him. He reached over and intertwined her fingers in his.

"I want to catch him so damn bad."

"I know," he said sympathetically.

"I just want to find him and kill him, but I can't." Her voice was rough and filled with emotion. She leaned into his side, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "My mom deserves justice," she whispered into his shoulder.

"But it's not your responsibility, Kate."

"Of course it is!" She exclaimed, pulling out of his embrace.

"Would you tell any victim's daughter it's her job to find the killer?" he questioned.

"Castle, It's not like that."

"It was the original cops' job to solve this case. They failed. Raglan failed. Not you."

"So now it's on me to fix it," she stated firmly.

"Kate," he sighed.

"If I don't, no one will."

Castle just looked at her. He didn't really have a way to refute her on that. The likelihood of another cop or team picking up this case was slim to none. It had been cold for far too long.

"I'm stuck here, Rick. I want to let it go, and live, and be with you, and be happy, but I can't do that. I'm not going to let my mom down. I'm not. I have no choice here. I know I promised you I would let it go for a while, and I will. I haven't read any of the boys' files from my shooting. I've left it alone, but I can't do that forever," she said desperately.

"I know you can't," he agreed sadly. He never expected her to give up forever.

"I don't… I … No wait, um, I need to explain this right." She paused and took a deep breath. "You know that I've been doing my best to open up to you these last few months, right?" At his smile and nod, she continued. "It's felt so good. I love you, and I want to tell you things. I want you to know things, but it's been so hard. I don't want it to be this hard. You are so wonderful, but ever since my mother was killed, it's like I've built up this wall inside. I don't know, I guess don't want to hurt like that again. I'm so afraid of how deeply I love you."

Castle pulled her in close. "Everything is going to be fine, Kate. And I love you too."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thoughts? I like this chapter much more than the last one. Thanks so much for all the reviews, follows, and favorites. I love hearing your thoughts. Next chapter will be about 4x04 (Kick the Ballistics) and will be up this weekend. **

**I always forgot to put this- Disclaimer: Obviously, I own nothing.**

**~Meagan**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: First half takes places after 4x04 (Kick the Ballistics), and second half takes place during 4x05 (Eye of the Beholder)**

* * *

><p>"You ok?" Beckett asked coming into Castle's office late that night. Castle was hunched over his computer rubbing the back of his neck. She could tell how tense he was. Beckett knew he was upset that they had closed the case without any sign of Tyson.<p>

"What?" He startled.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he replied distractedly.

"Castle." She knew he was lying. Beckett had expected him to want to talk at some point tonight, but he had locked himself in his office instead. She was fine with giving him space, but she knew him well enough to know he didn't want to actually be alone all night, so she stayed. She hung out with Alexis and then read for a bit.

"I have a headache. It's no big deal," he admitted.

Beckett went up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. After a few minutes, he relaxed a bit under her touch.

"Thanks," he turned his head and dropped a kiss on her fingers.

"Why don't you get ready for bed? I'll grab you some Advil and meet you in there."

"Wow, role reversal," he sighed tiredly. The last few days were catching up to him.

"I let you take care of me, now let me take care of you."

"I'm fine."

"I was fine the other night when I let you make a big fuss over me," Beckett justified. The weather had recently started changing, and the cold brought new challenges for her still healing body. Her chest had been stiff and tight every time she stood outside which did not make crime scenes fun. She had been sore for days. Of course, she couldn't hide it from Castle. He noticed instantly when she gasped reaching for her coffee the other day and demanded she relax that night.

"You were in pain."

"So are you."

"I have a headache because Jerry Tyson is a psychopath and still at large. Your ribs hurt because you had major surgery 4 months ago. It's completely different."

"I don't care." She really wanted to do something for him. She knew how difficult this case was and how hard he worked on it. He even volunteered to wade through all those boring prison records just for a small shot at a break. She knew closing the case without catching Tyson was tough on him.

"Kate,"he sighed. It was completely unnecessary for her to feel bad for him. If he was being honest, she was probably in more pain anyway. He knew she hid it from him whenever she could, but it was still there. He should be helping her, not the other way around.

"I let you set me all up on the couch with the heating pad, and I took the strong muscle relaxer without complaining. You can go to bed an hour early and let me get you some Advil."

"You going to play with my hair until I fall asleep?" He teased. He was slowly giving into her. Especially if it involved both of them going to bed early and cuddling.

"Go ahead and laugh, but it was damn comfortable. I wasn't planning on falling asleep, that was your fault."

"I believe you mumbled something about my 'magical fingers'," he smirked.

"Don't be dirty, Castle."

"Hey, your words not mine."

"I just want to help you for a change."

"You help me all the time."

"Please."

"Ok, ok." He agreed and rolled his chair back from his desk.

"Thank you," she smiled.

* * *

><p>"I left the pills on the night stand," Beckett said coming into the bathroom where Castle was brushing his teeth. He had left the door open so she assumed she should join him. When Beckett looked at him in the mirror, she saw he had his eyes closed. "You sure you're alright?"<p>

"I'm fine. It's just a headache. It's not even a bad one. The lights in here are really bright, and it was kinda dark in my office. My eyes aren't happy about the adjustment," he answered opening his eyes.

"Right, ok" Beckett nodded and picked up her own toothbrush. Castle's bathroom was huge and included a large counter with two sinks. They had done this before, but the domesticity of brushing their teeth side by side always struck her. She had never been so comfortable with a man before. They went about their business together like it was no big deal. She didn't have to worry about what she looked like. No worrying about if she got toothpaste on the side of her mouth or if she should take her makeup off or not.

Castle dropped a kiss to her shoulder as he walked out to the bedroom. She quickly finished up and joined him, still rubbing her moisturizer in as she walked.

"Do you think we are going to find him before he kills again?" Castle asked quietly as she crawled in next to him.

"I hope so."

"He could be anywhere. He's probably not in New York."

"I know, but that doesn't mean another police force won't find him."

"You know the odds of anyone just finding him without another crime scene or investigation are slim."

"Yeah, but maybe he'll trip up. He's human. He'll make a mistake."

"I don't know that I would call him human. He's a monster," Castle said fiercely.

"That's true," Beckett agreed and snuggled up next to him. She wanted to offer any comfort she could. "I'm sorry you have to see all the bad parts of being a cop. I never wanted you to have to carry a burden like this. It's not your fault Jerry Tyson is free. We never would have even known he was 3XK without you."

"Not that it did us any good."

"It did, and it will. We have a name and a face now. We have the evidence and the information to catch him as soon as the opportunity comes up."

"Yeah…" he said, discouraged.

"I know it's hard, but you can't take this as a personal failure. You did everything you could. We all did."

"How do you do it? How do you handle it when cases go cold or even when the jury decides a guy you know is guilty is innocent? I mean that has to have happened to you, right?"

"It has. Don't get me wrong these types of cases bother me, especially Tyson. Not only is he a serial killer, but he could have killed you. I hate him. I want him locked up as bad as you do, but sometimes you have to be patient. I know this makes no sense coming from me, but you can't let every case consume you. I have plenty of old cases that still send me through the roof when I think about them, but I just have to try to focus on the new cases coming in everyday. We lose sometimes, Castle. It sucks, but it happens. The best we can do is try to learn from it. So the next case ends in a conviction. The next victim gets justice."

"Yeah, I guess we can't win them all."

"No, we can't, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to try like hell. We will get Tyson. The truth always comes out."

He leaned over a bit and kissed her. This was one of those moments where she had no idea how extraordinary she was. Kate returned the kiss eagerly. The possibility of Tyson being back and running around with Ryan's gun had had her on edge most of the week. She let herself relax and took pleasure in knowing they were comforting each other. She had held it together for him during this case, even though he probably didn't actually need her to. She knew he had things under control, but it was a step towards being her old self again.

* * *

><p>The next case they caught was a murder and robbery at an art gallery. The case was complicated by an insurance investigator named Serena Kaye that was helping them track down the stolen art work and killer. Beckett hated her. She was tall and beautiful and was constantly flirting with Castle. Beckett couldn't say anything because she couldn't risk Gates finding out she and Castle were together. On top of that, she had to go to her appointment with Burke. She was dreading it.<p>

"Oh my god you're jealous," Castle laughed as he realized why Beckett had been acting so weird.

"What?"

"That's why you hate Serena."

"I don't hate her," Beckett said sharply.

"Yes, you do. You've been all get away from my man. It's adorable."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just don't trust her working with us," Beckett denied and walked into her kitchen to get some water. She really didn't want to talk about this.

"Why?" Castle asked as he followed her.

"Because she's a criminal."

"You hated her before we knew about her past."

"Castle," Beckett practically growled. She was tired and not in the mood.

"It's ok. You can admit it," he smiled, misreading her annoyance as playful.

"What do you want me to say? I don't want you going to some secretive meeting to talk to her 'contacts' without me." She said referring to that afternoon when Castle had eagerly volunteered to go with Serena to a cops-free meeting.

"Is it her or me you don't trust?"

"Her. Of course I trust you. I had no idea where she was taking you or who you were meeting. It could have been dangerous."

"Which is also why you jumped down Esposito's throat when he suggested I take her out to distract her, so you guys could search her hotel room. The hotel restaurant, with you guys right upstairs, sounds real dangerous."

"No, I don't want my boyfriend going out with some hot, leggy blonde. I don't care if it's undercover. You do undercover missions with me."

"Kate," Castle laughed. He never expected her to be jealous of anyone. She was gorgeous. What did she have to worry about?

"Back off," Beckett snapped.

"Honey, listen to yourself."

"Wipe that smile off your face. This isn't funny."

"Kate, come on. Do you honestly think I would ever cheat on you? Because if you do, we have a much bigger problem," Castle said in a soft voice. He was quickly realizing that she wasn't messing around.

"No. You wouldn't cheat….You would break up with me first."

"Woah, where is this coming from?"

"Serena Kaye is exactly your type. She would be a whole lot easier to have as your girlfriend, too," Beckett said.

"Easier to have as my girlfriend? What does that even mean?"

"I guarantee you she comes with a lot less baggage than I do."

"Baggage? Kate, you know I don't think you have baggage." He stepped up and placed his hand on her arm.

"But I do. A hell of a lot it," she bit out and stepped back.

"So do I."

"Not like mine."

"This isn't a competition, but I do have two ex-wives."

"Yeah well I have PTSD," she announced harshly and walked out of the kitchen.

"Kate? Sweetheart, look at me," Castle said gently as he walked up behind her. She had her back to him.

She simply shook her head and made no effort to turn around. Castle heard her sniffle. He was fairly certain she was crying.

"That doesn't change how I feel about you in any way. I love you and nothing, Nothing, is ever going to change that."

At that she turned around and buried herself in his chest. She tucked her face into his neck and sobbed into his shoulder. Castle tightened his arms around her firmly, and she gripped the back of his shirt.

"Shh, it's ok. Everything is going to be ok. I'm not going anywhere," he said as he began to rub her back.

"Burke hasn't officially diagnosed me yet but I know he's going to," she whispered without moving.

"I will help in anyway I can."

"This is perfect," she admitted as she held on a little tighter. After about ten minutes of standing in her living room just holding each other she pulled back. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I had my appointment with Burke yesterday. When I explained what has been happening at work and about Rivera pulling the gun on me. He …he asked about panic attacks, and nightmares, and flashbacks. The whole time I was talking I knew I was giving the wrong answers," she explained.

"What are the wrong answers?"

"The ones that make you crazy."

"You're not crazy."

"Just weak," she mumbled.

"No way. I don't want you to think that for a minute." When Beckett didn't say anything he continued, "I promise I'm not going anywhere. I will be by your side the whole time. You'll get through this. I promise."

"Why? Why do you want to stay. You've seen the panic attacks. I've tried to hide it, but you've still seen. You've seen the nightmares. I don't get it. You deserve so much better."

"This is why you've been so jealous of Serena. My beautiful, confident Kate Beckett thinks she's not good enough, and I'm going to leave her." He said making the connection to the beginning of this conversation.

"Castle."

"No, you need to hear this. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I love you so much. I don't want another woman. I want you."

"I love you too."

"Well then good. We are on the same page then," he smiled.

"Burke asked if I was afraid you wouldn't be supportive, or that you would be."

"What did you say?"

"It was rhetorical, I think. I didn't answer. He just talked about it. I guess…if you are supportive I can't run away or hide behind being angry at you. It pressures me to open up in a way."

"I never want to pressure you."

"It wouldn't be intentional." She reached out and grabbed his hand, reestablishing the contact between them. "It's just if I don't have anyone to talk to then I don't have to talk. But if you're here, then…"

"You still don't have to," he replied giving her hand a squeeze.

"But I want to. Except, I don't. I know it doesn't make sense."

"I think it does."

"I really have been doing better. I'm ok. It was just Burke made me think about everything and put it in words."

"I'm sorry. I never should have went with Serena to that meeting."

"It's ok."

"No, I wasn't thinking."

"Let's just close the case and move on from her."

"Deal."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry about the wait. School got too busy. Thanks for reading. Thoughts? Comments? Next chapter will about 4x07 (Cops and Robbers). I'm excited about that one, but it will probably be a week or two before I can get it done. Thanks to everyone for all the reviews :)**

**Meagan**


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